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The heart's filthy lesson

*Beware of long post

JANUARY 2012

So of course many things didn't happen as expected, thank gawds I napped most of the day anyways, like I was going to ruin my day waiting. lol
Monday went by as per usual and the rain had started again, so of course the knee decided to be annoying a bit. Once I was home, I took a motrin and then hoped for an hour nap. I received a phone call from the geekesque guy, wondering if I wanted to come over for food, since he was planning to cook. Free meal, so why not? :D And plus, I was hoping for a little bit of continuing of fun from last time. I keep saying fun instead of fooling around lol but is fun. :P So even though I had a ride home from Gilles, I ventured over the now iced landscape to bus it. I didn't fall "gracefully" as in the harsh slip of going down backwards, instead I looked like a cat trying to walk on waxed floors. -lol- Great, lots of traffic, of course. So ran a bit late, as the trek took over a time frame and then met up with him to buy some groceries for the supper. Fajitas. I'm just wondering about some comments he said or didn't want to, but he did that short amused chuckle as we walked, I think it was about assumptions of the situation resembling a relationship. Anyways, he drove us to his place. Spent a good amount of time going over his movie collection, as he explained a lot of storylines and such, before realization that we haven't eaten yet, nor prepared the food. And afterwards we didn't end up watching a movie, let alone select one. -lol- So of course it was late now and can't really get home, so I ended up staying the night and both of us would be waking up early because of the bus. Yeh, the parking or something at his work was not great so he buses it and only uses his vehicle like once a week or something. :/ Damn, I was hoping to not bus it and have time to change when I was home, now there were no possibility and I was so grungy when I woke up. And I was completely zombied too. So when he got off at his stop it was like right when the doors opened, he didn't say anything bye until then, so zombied I was like uh whut? So yeh it was, thanks for coming over, no hug, which was awkward, I don't' know if he wanted to and thought it would offend me or something and then he waved from the stop. So now I feel a bit bad, because I don't know if he thought I was offensive and rude, after all he did feed me and provided a fun evening. I emailed him and make sure that hopefully he wasn't offended by my lack of interactions on the bus parting, and I totally forgot to mention that I was willing to have a third meet.
So work was a bit tiresome that day but I napped once I got home. Farhio eventually text me and woke me from my nap. She said that the guy from one of the rbo's was asking about me, which threw her off. lol she didn't know that I spoke to this one guy, mostly about games and music and such. I had lent him a usb, until I could find my older mp3 player and since I had changed my shifts to the mornings, we always missed each other because of those shifts and half the time I had to rush to my ride. I finally picked it up today, even though there's about 9 songs on it, I'm going to find that player. Farhio is laughing at me, teasing me that this guy might like me. lol Gawds, just what I need lol fack.
O

So working with the changed shifts in the morning and not enough days off had started to take it's toll. So many visits from friends and relatives and then every time I had a day off, there weren't any time for me to relax properly.
Aurelie came to visit, which was nice, because it's been too long. We watched some comedian dvd and laughed way too much. She stayed later, because we did lose track of time watching shows and chatting. So I walked her all the way to the mall to catch a bus, that's how late it was, the nearest stop was done. It was frigid but I wanted to make sure she got on one safely. Although she had to take a cab at her transfer to get back to V's. It was so late. I did offer her to stay over, even though I would have to kick her out because of work.

Work with sinks by the main doors and constant cloths with sprays, not to mention winter air, is killing my hands, they're so dry. Ugh.

Went to Alice Cooper that was held in Montreal. It wasn't the usual concert, because it was part of the Harley Davidson show. It was so Americana that it was hilarious. It was fun though. Bikes, leather jackets, guys with long hair heehhe, Rock music, girls in scantily clad hot pants and explosions from the stage. -lol- It was a good show. When A.C finally came on, we stood up. My night almost got ruined by the people behind me forgetting that they were at a Rock Concert and not an opera or I kept saying a Celine Dion concert. :/ Seriously they told me twice to sit down, once they touched my arm and I hate that. you don't' pay a certain amount to just sit there, especially when A.C even says "come on, get up". Seriously. They stopped though and I was still standing, I think my Gothic stare threw them off. So no blood or usual props, which is a bit sad for the fans but was still epic. Finally headed back home, arrived at like 2am or something. I had trouble falling asleep right away even though I was nodding off on the drive. lol I had to catch some sleep before Gilles (stepfather) would call me up early in the am to visit. I asked mother to tell them to call me beforehand to let me get ready. I got ten minutes. XD Had a nice breakfast with Gilles and uncle Moe. I impressed him that I went to a Harley show and he impressed me that he used to listen to A.C. Too bad he came to visit a day later, I said. -lol-
Father continues to text me here and there and that's fine but this time, a few nights ago he sent me a message asking if I were in any way upset with him and how the way things went. I was burnt out from being sick and work, I couldn't just ignore the message since I was talking to him. I've been upset, I just given up in trying to make things work and just let whatever this form of contact as is. It's better than nothing. I finally sent a reply, saying that it's too late for me to be angry anymore and tired of trying. So I've accepted the way things are but I'm not going to try to please everyone. He asked what I meant and I said basically the same thing, different wording and also added that visits are hard to do and expensive. I think that's what he was asking about, I have a feeling that he heard that I was done visiting mother but not had gone to visit him. The thing is mother visits me and once in a while helps pay for the bus ticket. So I think it's fair. He seems happy with the reply, minus telling him that mother pays and visits me. I'm glad he didn't call to continue the confrontation, which I was in no state to do. And I would hate that the time he finally calls me again is to make ourselves upset.

O FEBRUARY 13th 2012

I managed to ask for Mondays' off because, well I'm a bit exhausted. So this month is started to be a bit mellow. Which is good. January was just too busy for me lol. Anyways, G and C are out of town so no rides for me, and Julie is working in the mornings on the days that I do, so again there's the backup lol. Figures the 2 days that I do work and have to bus far, it's windchill frigid. Ugh why me right? lol Anyways, still talking with 'Net guy, (I will find a better name for him later), met up for the past month, it seems to fall on Mondays or Tuesdays lol so I'm a bit more zombie-like when I work. Late nights and early mornings and even he seems to get a bit tired and had suggested perhaps do this on the weekend. It's a bit hard for me because of night shifts, it varies in times. So I figured I was off Sunday and Monday, and he was off on weekends, at least one day right? Even though we just had one, this one is just earlier than usual in the week and I was feeling a bit withdrawal? from it. The whole situation... although I'm not sure what he thinks. I'm just hoping he's not getting to attached and thinking this is a relationship as in romantically. There's supposed to be this understanding of boundaries. The think is, would he understand? I think he might be getting unintentional mixed signals from me though. Hmm. Not only that he cooks so I get meals when I'm over, he picked me up from work with his car on Saturday, total surprise even though I wondered if I can go over on Sunday. So I did nothing yesterday but watch movies, eat, and some fun and sleep. Now, the complications of this is the pampering that is going on, yeh I'm a bit more cuddly in hugs and such which might be making him think I'm super interested in something sturdy. But then the departures are "Bye, see you later" getting off at the bus stop. So to me it says that he understands. However, we never actually brought it up, I think he might think it'll ruin the line were on. Maybe I'm just thinking too much on it and we'll just see where it goes.

Oh look now there's complications and I'm about to do something stupid and hang out with someone else. I'm not thinking this is considered cheating since it's not a relationship or said that it was. So I'm glad that things didn't get too hectic, and I can see where things will go. Although it's not all simple.

Anyways, I didn't like the way we said goodbye too quickly the other morning, he did all this pampering and I didn't even hug him, which I should have. So I might invite him over here for this time and cook for him.
O


/
I'm here and I wonder if I'm lost
cuz I can't seem to understand the way I feel.
I'm not here to be a creep.
I'm just feeling incomplete.
Take me home.

Babble babble bitch bitch II

How can I not smell your lie
Through the smoke and arrogance."


I'm wondering if I went ahead of myself again and this was a one time thing and another meet up was just talk. Also, I'm thinking I messed up with this one, because it was frustrating probably more for him even though it was funny as well. I seem to have that kind of luck.

And with another I'm trying to be nonchalant about the situation but it might have put him off. It's not like I'm looking for anything steady but I still think I should at least get some reply and not 2 weeks later, or a month. What is it that I'm not worth a answer or form of contact? Again, I'm not looking for messages or constant approval for everyday. Just something...

Why must this be difficult? I'm not looking for a relationship. Ugh.

Work isn't that bad in the morning. I just have a bit of trouble waking up and get moving but I'm on time. My legs aren't as tired as they would be with the evening shift, which is weird, because it's the same hours and pretty much the same 'walking' distance. And so far, coworkers pretty much tell me that I've been done for the past 5 minutes, so it passes by quickly, more so than the evening, which is nice. I can't but nap when I get home, not long but to catch up on morning sleep; but it doesn't help with sleeping early, I just can't wait that long to sleep early, I'll end up doing too early and then up at 4am. And I definitely do not want that.
I should nap now. I have a long double shift tomorrow. 10-2, and then catch the 2:30 bus to get ready for work at 4-12. I'm buying a Monster energy drink, I don't care...I'm not going to be able to function that properly. -lol-

O

Babble babble bitch bitch

January 9th 2012

Work1 has started to cut hours again, less hours one weekend which is understandable since there's nothing new really that started. I can't wait to see what's in store next week.

Alexandra was over to celebrate David Bowie's area, I mean, birthday. -lol- We watched Zoolander, a tour show as we baked a cake. My oven is awesome and so was the pan for it. We thought it was ready, when we pulled it out of the over, it jiggled like Jell-o. "I don't think cake is supposed to jiggle like that." -lol- Right? We put it back for a bit longer to make sure. While it was cooler afterwards, a bit of the middle was still doughy, so we were going to cut the top and re-put it back to cook a bit more, it was not needed it was just the one piece. It was so crumbly, and trying to fix it with icing was fucking hilarious. And then adding neon sprinkles and then she tried to make a lightning bolt for the whole Aladdinsane them. Holy crap I almost peed my pants, I could barely take the pictures. We barely took a few bites, it was so sweet. It was hilarious. We finished the night with remaining peach schnapps to go with Labyrinth and then a non Bowie movie, Men in Tights. I guess sort of lol but no cameo. She went to bed early because she had class, and even though I had work also, I stayed on my laptop for a few more hours, watching The Mentalist. Good times.

O
January 17th 2012

Work1 gave me one shift. so instead of my 15 hours, I get 4. :/ Not impressed in the slightest and it's supposed to be a busy enough weekend since everything is returning to normal. I was in the morning at that, something that I haven't got in a while. And because of the storm that Friday, they wanted to send me home an hour earlier as well. It took me longer to get there and then to be there for 3 hours, because they still take off for 30 minute break. Luckily Alexandra wasn't feeling that great (not great for her obviously) and wanted to get back to her homework so that gave me a few extra hours. In the end I also stayed for the Underworld screening, the first one since we were playing the dvds after hours. -lol- I was up since 7am that day until 3am. So tired. Luckily I had 2 days off.
So luckily with changed shift with work/job2, it'll make up for more missing hours. I'll change next week to remove one of the days, because I'll be doing doubles on Fridays. The question is, take Thursday off or the Friday? So I just have to toughen up for this week. So last Saturday was supposed to be a lot of house cleaning and laundry but spent it catching up on sleep. And Sunday was meeting up with someone who's into something different. Yeh, trying out something new and different. So not my usual kind of guy but again nothing serious and at any rate I'm not looking for something permanent. Just trying out some fun. I just hope he understand that. I'm going to have to make sure if it goes any further, although I'm sure being within this, there's a lot of understanding.
And like I was going to wait around for jerkface forever ha! Who still wants to hang out by the way. Anyways his lame excuse is lame, and making him wait is best.
So with new guy, if we continue, how open would this be, if you want to call it as a relationship? Again, nothing serious. Would there be allowed fun from others even for either one of us. It would make my situation a bit easier lol or as can be.
If I do hang out, it might start up competition with JF. Hmm....
-lol-

Anyways, mother had also called and I said I had company over. Well she wanted to know how come I didn't call her back later on. lol we ran late. XD So I did tell her that it was just some fun times, without going into details. She joked about how serious it was. For the love of eldergawds, slow down woman. I had to keep repeating that it was just for fun, nothing serious. I think it's because he's not Gothic or a metal kind of guy that I'm usually into, that's making her too interested and excited. It's hard to tell her without being total abrupt about how it's just for fun. Not wedding material, holy hand grenade. -lol- Fuck. She jokes about it but with msn, it's hard to see how serious she was. -lol- It's been one time. Slow down crazy, slow down.


I suppose as a New Year resolution; I want to at least Gothblock someone this year. -lol-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqheLN9a6dE
I am determined. XD It'd be funnier if it were around with friends and someone could say to that person that they were Gothblocked. XD I love it. Again with the whole thing where friends would think of me and either link or get me something that was Goth. I can't get offended cause it's too damn funny.
Speaking of Goth. Had to see the new version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I had to. Saw the original, which was just as good. This version however, had yummy Daniel Craig and goth style girl, just warps my brain into naughty thoughts. And of course the best intro to a movie ever. :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljbBayiWglg

March is never going to get here. LABYRINTH!


O

Jan. 6th, 2012

Barely a day into the new year and already got heads up for rent increase. Not of 5$ like last year but of 22.63$.
Holy Hellbasket. Seriously? So now rent is going to be 750. I've been checking around for a quick see, and basically it's the same but further away...so looks like I might be stuck here anyways. I don't want to move further if it's saving me 20$, I'm right downtown, near everything.
Ah well. Not sure what I'm going to do once May gets here.

And a week in, and I'm already annoyed and frustrated..again. No, it's not him, who hasn't contacted me for almost 2 weeks before I got a happy new year's message. Thoughtful I suppose. -_- I'm just thinking that it was way to end to some fun for 2011. So whatever I guess. But anyways, someone else contacted me after a long period of time and wanted to have some fun and I said sure why not. So day of plans arrived, waited and then it was suddenly not going to happen. "Sudden change of plans". Ugh really? I cancelled other plans. Well lesson learned I guess. Great start of the year. -__-


So I hope I didn't offend Julie with her xmas gift. It was meant to be kind of silly. Having no funds, I gave her the first Hallows book, minus cover; it was wrapped with printed made Supernatural paper (the printed is out of commission, happenstance much? lol) and chocolate with a title Black Magic. -lol- She's into the whole pagan thing and hope it wasn't too bad. I think she was all right with it, she did laugh. It's like if someone got me something Goff (that's overly Goth lol) like black tissues or something; I'd get a kick out of it for certain. -lol-

So during the holidays, I was about to call mother and Jenn. The moment she picked up the phone it rang, it was me calling. Eerie huh? lol

With my luck with technology and such, my skullcandy headphones out again, I must find warantee receipt to get new pair. :(

It usually doesn't bother me but now and again I go back to wonder as to why some people decide not to speak to me, have I done something? I just wish I knew the reason and was told of it, so that way I can stop.
Also I've been away from the internet/msn for so long that I am forgotten from the list and such, that when I do finally return, no one is around, or hides from me or have deleted me completely; again I would like to do if I was, it would be nice for a reason as an extra. :/

I love the Mentalist. So with basic cable which I'm still planning to eventually cancel, but I'm glad I haven't, I've been watching it before work. Man, that guy is just so...I don't know, but I giggle every time.

So busy apparently this month. I have Alex coming over on Sunday for some drinks and to celebrate Bowie's birthday. :D
Bumped into a couple of people to hang out, problem is only on Sundays, so they have 2 choices this month, because on the 27th weekend, I'm going to try to go to see Crispin Glover. and apparently on Saturday there's a show that G&C had bought me a ticket for. So I'm not sure what of Sunday, if I should work that day to make up for the days off I would be booking.

I have less than a week to make up my mind of switching my shifts to morning shifts for work2. I don't want to because of my sleep cycle and how horrible it is. I might try for a month, given the option to return to my usual shifts. Also, it's going to stop a lot of quick chats with Farhio, I don't like working and not having someone to talk to. But apparently everyone is having issues with not working properly. I mean if there's too many of us and all of us are working, what can really be done? If it's dead, I'll chat, but I won't leave everyone with many trays all over the damned place. Seriously. So before I left last week, there was an incident when one man bossed a worker even though it was not needed. She's been there longer than you have, she knows what to do, ever think that one of us was on break and took a moment? Seriously, we could be lax on some work, we don't have to be a damn robot, constantly busy, no time for that. Fuck. With the earlier shifts, I get some extra hours, but it would be more taxing for me. I don't know really.


March is never going to get here. LABYRINTH!

In the new year I will be planning for next year's birthday with my idea to save up for an Absinthe set. A good one.

A pain that I'm used to

I'm annoyed and already exhausted before this week even begun.

Along with frustrations, work2 lately have been busy and with such a short staff list, it's sometimes annoying. I've caught another wonderful cold/flu bug again, nothing new there. Monday is like any other, not feeling so great with jello legs and burning up but I wasn't coughing or sniffling, so some meds were helping. Then came one jerk (he's been saying that we were awful co-workers and leaving him ALL the trays lately) who 'insisted that he only did the garbage and didn't have to help us out with the trays. Us girls were like "no, we have a guy for that until 5. You have to help us until then." Well every time that his 'job' was taken, he buggered off to the washrooms, again the other guy does it until his end time. But this day, we were short one. I was sitting down for 10 minutes for my break (it was cut short because the trays were stacking and this: ), shortstuff was doing the garbage as happy as he can be now that he didn't have to do the trays (not that I saw him do any), when I said, trying to start anew: "After you're done with the garbage, would you mind helping me out with the trays?" Well I didn't think I was going to see a grown man throw a tantrum but there it was. I was trying to explain to him that I was the only one, but his tantrum was too fierce, so I finally snapped and said "Fuck it, never mind I don't need your help if you're going to like this." So my break was done. What a little shite. So I was swamped, I tried to keep up with the trays and running around, snapped at one girl, sort of but I was trying to tell her I'm the only one. Anyways, with all the running around, once I got a moment in to catch my breath...well I was at the sink, trying not to pass out. I was overheated, with the fever and not only that, perfect timing for aunt flo, so double overheating. I was also so annoyed that I was swearing in French. Finally the end of the night came around and I got some help, one came back from a long half cancelled doctor's appointment. :( Poor her. I told Bossman that I was not going to work the next day and if that's cool, if there were no replacement I would have come in; but I needed time off to get rid of this frellin' thing before it got worse. I didn't even know if I could take the puffer if I was on cold/flu medication. Out of breath, feeling like crap, what a day. Once I got home, I loaded myself up with meds and vaporub, soup and tea, and some oranges. Hopefully that would do it.
Today wasn't too bad, the coughing had returned, mostly because I was so messed up my breathing yesterday and the dryness. I'm returning to work tomorrow, and I had bargained today for working on Boxing Day to make up for it. It would have been nice to have it off. Ah well.
Also work2 is asking me to think about switching to daytime hours where I would be done at 3 or 4, switching with a supervisor. It would be nice to end early but then I wouldn't be able to 'hang out' with Farhio and chat as we work. I don't know if it's because of all the new staff that keeps coming and going at night. I mean I don't think it's us or any specifics; I know I don't leave shit for people before I leave and I've been staying longer some nights to help out. I just don't know about the day shifts. They're busier and I'm not sure I want that and there's the lack of conversations. Because I'm good terms with G. I am one of the first to be asked. That's great and all but I don't mind my night shifts, I'm used to them. I can always do a trial run if I wanted to. Still unsure and I don't have to make up my mind yet, not until the holidays are done.
And with the holiday here...I've less than I had last year so I feel like shite. I can't give out anything, I'm afraid if I try to even make something, this face comes to mind what their reaction is going to be: >:/ Unimpressed.
Maybe I'll have something at the end of next pay since I'm working extra days to make up for lost ones. This Thursday after a long Hellish week, not even a Necromancer will be able to wake me.

Well I didn't get my fantasy ending in Sherlock Holmes 2 movie with them being in Paris, hoping that they would get a calling card from Arsene Lupin and thus would be a new "movie" I would have screeched like madwoman for certain. It would be most epic, since this Sherlock likes to be in disguise, so not only a battle of wit between the world's greatest Detective VS the world's greatest Gentleman thief, but a battle of who can fool whom with appearances. :D Commence the fangirling again. -lol- But I doubt they'll do it like how Maurice LeBlanc borrowed Sherlock for his books. A girl can dream. -lol-


O

"I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
I just know that I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
But the key is a question of control

Can you say what you're trying to play anyway
I just pay while you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul like an animal
With no conscience, repentance unknown
Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds that are sown

I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real
No mistaking the faking, I care
With a prayer in the air I will leave it there
On a note full of hope not despair

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you concieve
You just need to achieve something that rings true"

I'm exhausted from your expectations of me

Again we have cut hours at work1 and I was given one shift this week. Luckily I can work on my usual day off. And it's not like I'm doing anything anyways. It wasn't much in hours but it was something instead of nothing. Too bad it interfered with a plan for an event that I had already accepted. :/ Being broke on a Saturday sucks, didn't know what to do with myself, so I caught up with some shows. I could have cleaned but settled with laundry instead.

I'm not quite sure what's up with people. Yes we are all busy and communication has faltered and faded but I'm starting to get tired of worrying over people when they don't seem to care on letting me know how things are. I am glad that everything is better for everyone now don't get me wrong. It's just the updates are so: well thanks for letting me know kind of thing from a third party. This is why I can't make friends or get close to people, because it always ends up of being what's the point? They took what friendship I had and is now spent. I try to keep in touch and I try to hang out but it always seem they don't want to. At least tell me instead of dragging me through this 'hope' of communicating with people. It's tiresome and frustrating. I've already had enough of this so far in my life and frankly I'm just want to be done with this. I don't know, I'm exhausted of everything right now and I'm venting. I'm just done with everything suddenly. Taking my Gothic moment so it were. I'm not isolating anyone, just general observations. -sighs- I wonder if this Misanthrope should stop trying.

O

I don't want to be me,
I don't want to be me anymore - Type O Negative
For lack of better title...again.
So everything is cool with the co-worker that got upset the other weekend. She even apologized for being snippy with me about the whole thing, I was fine by it and understood the situation.
So after work, we hung out with Hailey at Rockwell's. Sabrina was stuck speaking in a southern accent and everyone just joined in which made the next hour or so hilarious. -lol- I haven't laughed that much in a while, it was great. Spent some money on food this time around too...and a few days later and then again. Shit. XD Bill are super tight. But then again I haven't splurge this much in ages. We were probably the other table not drinking and we were the loudest. It was great. Hailey threatened not to come back because of a picture but she made it too funny. :D I hope there's more visits. It'll be nice to have some outings. As Julie drove me home, of course downtown people jaywalk trying to get to clubs and such, but this one guy, wow. Shoulder blond hair, nice facial hair with soul patch, looking fine. Too bad he was probably drunk, for he waved at us. Yeh that's great we nodded, like get out of the road lol fuck. Too bad though. ;D
Another outing for coffee on my day off with Sarah and Suzy. It was good talk, something to do again.

Leon is pretty much on his last of his 9 lives. My apartment is too hot and I couldn't keep up with the watering. Usually it would be all right since when I was in midst move a few years back, mother forgot about it for weeks and it would thrive back...but this time...It doesn't look like it'll make it. I'm trying not to get upset about it, because this is the plant that memere got me years ago when we still lived in Larder Lake. So right now I'm trying to jump start it up again since the roots are done. Mother and I used to be able to do so with a cup of water, but I'm doubtful since I've run out of leaves to try with.

I bribed Dan to bring the laptop (which I'm using to post by the way)to my work on Saturday, with taking him to the next Underworld movie coming out in January I think. He has a busy schedule where i said that he can postpone bringing it. -lol- no big deal or worries. I was just tired of taking forever with this ancient POS. And I also need something else to watch shows since I cancelled my movie network and sacrificing HBO, even for TB this summer me thinks, to save some money. And after 2 days of basic cable, I'm thinking of cancelling that too because there's nothing, at all.


O

I love playing with fire, but I don't want to get burned.
I love playing with fire, and I don't think I'll ever learn.

Whatever happened to Saturday night? III

For lack of a better title...
Gilles came down in a visit with uncle Moe. He got dropped off by hs brother at my place even though I told mother who passed the message, that I had a meeting until 11 that day; luckily halfway through the meeting when he called I was able to sneak someplace to answer. Right after I rushed out to bus it back home where he was waiting, after a couple more hours at a coffee place. No sleep because of the closing shift and then the meeting, no use really. So it was going to be a long day. So I rested a bit and small chitchat before he wanted to head out to eat and stuff. I"ve already had the free breakfast, so I was good for a while. So we went grocery shopping because apparently didn't like my emptyesque cupboards, even though I do my shopping by weekly of my needs. He kept insisting for more and more, but I was content with the 4 bags, and also had to think about this recent surgery, and not carrying anything. That's why he's able to visit, he has like 2 months off. Yeh I would go stir crazy too. -lol- So we walked around the market and see what can be a potential supper. Still not hungry for lunch we stopped by a subway to eat something, I'm sure he wanted to eat more because of routine. Out of suggestion, we contacted uncle Moe who wanted to meet up after a supper they would have with his girlfriend''s son, but decided to hang with us beforehand. After much walking we took the car and went to Biggs. Gilles and I had an early supper while uncle Moe and lise had coffee. A nice mini visit with them. They brought us back and I was given my new microwave. -__- Yeh, my xmas present. I am appreciative of it but she had already done purchase of gifts when I was down. Ah well. -lol- I convinced Gilles to watch the remake of True Grit since I was testing out my Netflix account to see if I was still able to, and to show him how it was before he made a decision for it as well. He liked the movie and it was still fairly early so I put on a jeff dunham set because it was nearing his bed time. -lol- Afterwards he went to bed and I was still up even though I was ready to crash. Still had to wake up early for them to get going. I tried to sleep afterwards but it was too soon before my shift. Ah well. All in all, it was a better awkward visit than I anticipated; even with the talk we had. He's fine with the whole job and doesn't seem to pick at any style that I had, which would have been open to discuss. I just hope he doesn't just talk about that with mother when he went back. I'd rather have him say what's on his mind really, or if it's just my mother trying to change my Gothic lifestyle.

Whatever happened to Saturday night? II

October

It's roasting in my apartment and my vent* is not even turned on. The fans have been on for over a week now. I just hope once the snow kicks in, it'll cool everything down; open windows help a little.
This weather is so strange and now my knee has noticed. I woke up Saturday morning in pain and nothing would subdue it. So I limped all day, to the movies and then some Halloween shopping.

Something has been bothering me that I forgot to mention/write in the previous entry. It's about Gilles (step-father) and his somewhat cold shoulder I felt, although it could be unintentional. I was planning to have a movie day with him and the westerns I got him but he seemed more preoccupied and determined to finish building a game for future game night. I'm a bit annoyed by this. I think it's because I'm trying to do something and everyone keeps cancelling on me; and not just him. Just a lot of people doing this, it gets frustrating sometimes. Like why bother anymore? This is what's going on with RHPS again this year. I had a handful of people with "yeah for sures", I missed out on a day to be able to pick up tickets for the event because of no replies and giving them a chance to last minute respond, and now it's down to 2 of us, me including.
EDIT: The other person is adding 2 of her friends to the list.

We'll see how this Friday is going to be. Trying to get to a costume party, hope not to get lost and then bus my way back; joy. And I hope that the request I did for Saturday night will be still booked off, I should have just let it be and have the full Saturday off, since the past 2 weeks that's what colo has been doing, had to double check my default availability and it's fine, I have my wanted work days. :/ So yesterday, I had the day off. I could have found a shift but it was last minute and I would have been at work at any rate, but didn't plan out. I went into colo anyways, because I really wanted to watch "The Phantom of the Opera" 25th anniversary satellite feed (an encore). Yeh. I still have that tiny girly, non-Gothic part of me. It's the closest thing that I'll ever get to seeing it on stage and at a price range. It was good, well except for the guy bitching through the first act behind me; his girlfriend had most likely dragged him to it and he thought it was going to be like the recent film version. He already ruined "Music of the Night" and "The Phantom of the Opera" and I swear if he didn't shut up in the second after intermission I was going to stand up from my seat and turn around and ask if he's done. And if he would tell me to fuck off, I would so get some security (manager at this time of day) to get him booted out. Seriously, just tell your girlfriend that you're going to another movie or just shut your freakin' pie hole. The actor who played the phantom was all right, I was waiting for his stronger suit with the more emotional tone near the end. Not as great as Colm Wilkinson (which I've only heard on cd) but acting it out, made me blurry eyed. Yeh, I went girly for a moment; and on this week too. Heh. After the show, they had the original main cast and the Phantoms from a few shows, including Colm Wilkinson, with a treat to sing Music of the Night and part medley. 2 others I wasn't sure who they were, but were magnificent. I'm going to look them up. Gawds. Power voices.
I was supposed to go with Beth, but found out that she got into a car accident with a deer. I hope she's all right and that her little one wasn't hurt if he was in the vehicle with her. It still sucks for her though. :(

Thursday is going to be so Hellish in this tiny place; I'm going to be baking the cupcakes and won't be able to stand the sweetness in the air and can't even eat my own batch that I make; it sucks. -lol- I don't mind making them, I might grumble about the work but it's like a Halloween tradition but not really. I miss carving a pumpkin though, even the mess. :D
O

The hand mixer I got as a birthday gift from mother is a dream! I went overboard with the batches and now I have too many cupcakes I've no idea what to do with them. -lol- I've also wanted to make a different kind of cupcakes, no filling, just chocolate with icing.
(picture)
I meant for it not to be nicely put, as though to make it looked like dirt and grass. Would have loved to add gravestones of sorts to them but the little bone sprinkles would do. I wonder if I should have made one of them to stick out from the ground instead of just randomly placing.

I'm so behind this Halloween, that I had no costume in mind. I had decided to go with the GraveRobber costume but I couldn't find my glue gun and I made quite a mess searching for it for hours. I've given up since the costume party is after work tomorrow. I'm going to cheat and goes as Death.
Ha ha cheat death. XD I'm a lame ass -lol- There's not much to the costume than my regular clothing so, it'll be a cheat of just adding the large Ankh and the squiggle with the makeup.
Saturday plans are a flub. Didn't get a hold of that group about tickets until Monday, saying that they were getting theirs on Wednesday. It's a bit too late for me to rearrange everything so, as much as i want to go with them because last year with them was hilarious fun, I'll just once this year and on Monday. I'll just work, hopefully not too hung over and if. Not sure how late I'll venture home and then wake up early to come to work across town. Ugh. -lol- But I'll have a nice time frame to sleep.
I have ommited some ex situation that is getting really frustrating as of late.
O

The Halloween party was fun. I had a good buzz, enough for me to not notice my cut when I tried to open a bottle for Joanne. -lol- A delayed reaction of feeling ill was interesting. XD Stayed till the end, I had a ride to the bus station by the college, because it was the closest for the 95, which had turned into a 24 hour bus...however, you miss it, you have to wait an hour. It was cold. By the time I got home, including walking down Rideau, it was 4:45. And then I woke up at 8:30 so I can get ready for work and leave on the early bus. I was feeling all right save for the cold that hadn't left me since the party. So the shift dragged on and finally left, I had run out of daytime meds so I was stuck taking the nighttime that I had and almost fell asleep a few stops from home. Slept on and off for the rest of the day, watched some movies, taking advantage of free preview of Dusk.

RHPS was great, not as great with the missing shadowcast, the banned rice and confetti, but still fun. Got good seats, when I got off work, I changed there instead of rushing home and then catch the bus; got there early and they had already let everyone in, so no standing in the cold lines, but it was sold out already. The bus and weather goddess smiled on us that night. 5 minute wait afterwards and yes it was a little bit cold, but there were no snow. So I'm good until next year.

Still haven't got rid of this damn cold and coughing since I got it at the beginning of October. I would have planned to get more syrup from the clinic because last night was bad for it, couldn't stop even with the suppressant drops, but I realized that I had asked for an extra shift this week, and so my day off is on Sunday when it's not open...balls.

EDIT: I managed to get rid of the shift on Thursday and wake up early to start it. I had issues sleeping, I had hot flashes from the cold/flu fever and my quick return of my period after less than 14 days. On top of that, I was feeling nauseous even after my meal, and of course being a wreck about thoughts didn't help either. I passed out on the edge of the bed, closer to the fan. At work on Wednesday people commented how paler I was than usual, I laugh and take it for my vampire skin palor, but it worries me cause I wasn't feeling great in the morning with the wobbly legs but the rest of the shift was good, then of course waking up the next day was the same. I was out of the house by 9am. Tried to find the right bus that didn't end at Rideau, nice guy on the bus gave me a day pass, seeing how I wasn't looking my best and I was roasting so I left one layer at home, and I did chat with him a bit to keep my mind of the nausea. That pass was a lifesaver. Anyways, I got to the clinic and registration was closed. I waited in line anyways, to find out a nearest clinic or some suggestion for a doctor; they sent me to the other Appletree, directions were awful but I got there eventually...after walking for about 30 minutes I think. Finally registered and sat down, luckily the place was super packed but still packed and cool as the ac was one all the time. I nodded off and on, like 2 minutes naps. About 2 hours later, finally in. So glad I got a doctor that was crosschecking what I was describing as my symptoms. Before I saw him, I had to do a breathing test. Last time I had the lungs of a 70 year old, this time 58. Whoo. -lol- But last time I was coughing throughout the test. Very nice guy, and I had no trouble understanding him. Which was a blessing. Not to sound awful but the last doctor I had to repeat everything and he didn't like me. Anyways, I was prescribed a different kind of antibiotics, mostly for the infection of my tonsils and supposedly for my throat, I also said nothing about my ear, which haven't bugged me for a few days; like I need another yeast infection bah. 10 days with this, double pills, luckily I don't have that much trouble swallowing, for my throat hasn't closed off or too hoarse, cause they're huge lol.And a puffer. Damn. This might last me a bit longer, since I just had to take it when I'm coughing too much. I hope it works and I can ween off the cough suppressants for a while. I'm also very novice when it comes to puffers and I might be doing it wrong cause I keep spraying on my tongue. :/ -lol- Fack. After picking up my meds, and a few discount Halloween stuff from the pharmacy as I waited, I sent out to get my chest x-rays done. Of course it had been pouring during my waiting and I had a small layer on because I was roasting. And I had to walk down like 8 blocks. This is perfect with my bronchitis. :/ Cold and wet, had the x-ray done and managed to get to a bus stop in time for a bus and then transferred and got home. Ate some pho soup, which remarkably sat fine, took some meds and then napped.

I guess in spirit of Halloween (ha!), and in supernatural. Alex went to con and done a mini shop errand since I was not able to attend. As much as I want a mug but I have no room, so I got a necklace and the way she texted me about it, I was like hahah cute. It was the salt vial that did it. XD

O

In the next entry, there will be updates about, my step-father visiting and Alice Cooper concert friends; otherwise this entry will drag on too long.

What ever happened to Saturday night?

Four years.
That's how long that I actually went to visit the parentals, as in holidays-not weddings and a funeral in between, which don't count-but on my own accord.
As I embark in the long line, being of one end to the other at the station, I remember the reasons why I dread to venture to visit the family. 1. As with all family, they all drive you crazy but you love them. That's how that is. 2. A packed holiday bus leaves no room for sleep and people are too close. 3. 12 hours on a bus weather permitting.
So rewind to back in the line. Was in the wrong end as with others so had to go all the way to the back of an even massive one.No use getting annoyed over it, the bus was going to be packed regardless. I ended up in bus #2 and there were still a line from one end to the other, as though it hadn't moved at all; there were no mention of a third one. Seriously, nothing has changed or been done to improve and accommodate anyone in all this time? "Are you coming back for x-mas?" lol yeh right. That's even worse mostly for the weather. So sat next to someone who tried to creep closer but stopped by my appearance. He almost nodded off onto my shoulder, I think I would have moved him roughly when I would have no more corner to squeeze into. The transfer was quick and it was less packed, enough for me to get some sleep..that is until we stopped at another location and transferred needlessly to a packed bus and delayed arrival by half hour. Ugh. Got in, was still awake enough to go shopping with mother. We searched mostly for Halloween stuff and she was determined to purchase items for me, non-halloween as a x-mas gift. I tried some clothes to end the questioning if I was. -lol- I didn't want her to spend any money on me but here it was. I was hoping as we agreed that the return trip was hers to pay for since I paid for the one way. A few days later as I went in to 'purchase' this, my card was declined, at first I thought it was the damn chip again and the same was mentioned by the station attendee, but when I did have a look online; no funds. -sighs- I completely forgot that rent had been taking out and with extra payment on bills and the bus, there was nothing left. And unfortunately mother had caught glimpse of it and was a bit disappointing that I would lie to her. I hadn't lied. I am fine, as I've told her. I was awaiting a weeks worth of pay when I would return and that's already rent amount right there. I told her not to worry, ( I know she will), and that all was fine. She was still determined to help me and gave me money. As much as I am appreciative. No I am. I don't want to be depending on her and be a further disappointment then she probably thinks I am. I know she wants a better career choice for me and living. I am fine with my jobs, the trays is not a career that I'm going to have forever and for the Colo, again it's a free movie thing mostly and of course people but it still has a treasurer position for a while longer before we all get replaced by something new in several months. Back to box office, but no losing out on the treasurer pay and that's fine. Anyways, it's hard to explain to people, especially parentals and family, that I am fine with the jobs right now. I'm not looking for anything yet and I can't see myself taking courses and then employment where I'll be miserable and still paying loans off 12 years down the line. I had to bite my tongue when one of my aunts came over and in the normal chit chat more or less in a conversational tone reprimanded me and that I should go back to school because there's so much more better things and jobs to do. Yeh right, cleaning trays is what I always wanted to move up in a career. It's a job and it pays rent. That's it. Anyways, I bit my tongue and I said I did want to go back but nothing really piques my interest. I wanted her to mind her own business and I wasn't sure if it was by her own elder sister syndrome kicking in to help my mother, or if my mother had asked her to convince me. I love them I really do. But it's hard to show them that it may not be the grandest life to lead. They frown that I don't have a spouse and children and that I'm not following the way plans should be followed. Yes, I don't have a strong income even with trying to save and not splurging, I always make sure i have enough for what is needed, although last month I did go overboard with the groceries. I don't recall screwing up that much that I'm feeling even more as the Black Sheep of the family. I went to sleep with this and had started to doubt myself. I got upset. Should I just sacrifice my happiness, as it is, and just fall in line? I'm tired. So much that I want to see a doc get prescribe some lithium or something that I can just fake it through the 'perfect life', to become what they want or what they had expected of me. Throw out everything that I am, move back to a little ass town, marry the first guy I see, have kids. Forget being individual, forget being myself. Forget me.

EDIT: I've become emotional as I've typed this up and had to stop. I hate the feeling of it but we all have moments like these I suppose; it passes.

Back to the visit, Jenn came down. However, hang out time just between us was more or less cancelled since she brought her boyfriend. I really have nothing against him or anything and I'm usually not a jealous person but it just irked me. Yeh it's a holiday and such but really...I don't visit often. We were planning to go to the mall with mother and hang out and such but he ended up taking the car to visit someone and Gilles had already left, so we were stranded at the house. We couldn't do more than awkwardly watch tv and have very small conversations; I could tell there weren't going to be any more than that since she refused to sit close to me when mother wanted pictures, at first it was the hilarious of no and whatnot but...it suddenly felt like it was years before, no closeness and ostracized. I'm almost getting tired of the situation, I don't want to restart all this again. Supper came and went, Jenn didn't stay overnight so the visit would be cut short. I did get her saying 'you call that a hug?" so that made me happy to receive a better one. He had to visit more people out of town. Again, I have nothing against him but what I'm hearing from mother, is starting to make me frown a bit more. It could be her being motherly and worries and that is fine. But he leaves her for weeks on end because of the training/workshops and that's understandable that he goes home for a couple of days. She thinks that he's untrue to Jenn while he's away, but my sister is blind to see how difficult this long distance relationship is. I don't think it's a good one but we shall see once the workshop sessions are done next year. I won't mention anything to her yet, since she doesn't really talk to me about these things. I don't know if it's because she knows I'm not all into those talks or just don't want to share. I am happy for her, I just want to make sure that it's something she'll be content with forever (if she stays with him that long); he did tell her that he'd get her any jewelry she wanted but not a ring, so there's no commitment from him. Again that's no thing for her, if it were me no typical commitment is fine (not the constant absence), but she's one that seems to want the whole stuff of happy endings. She doesn't tell me any of this stuff, I hate it sometimes and getting it from mother. I hope she figures what is needed to be happy.
So much food was consumed during the weekend and to make up for the 12 hour bus ride, I made mother cook ragout which was 4 years since the last consumption of any. 3 plates for one night! -lol- I didn't care how much weight I would gain. XD I usually don't care about it, but I wanted to know how much I did; 120 is not too bad and I had expected more. So I'm content with my flub or pot belly of sorts. Heh.
Many things I've planned fell through and on the last day, we got to visit memere, if I were good for it. I said I was, until my mother said to the gravestone that she brought a visitor. Yeh it was hard. The first visit. In minutes I was done. Mother says it was all right to talk to her here or at any time and that she would hear us. I'm a bit at sides with that. If there are those 2 planes*, I hope she went there, I don't want her trapped in limbo listening to us. Gilles refused to come with us and had stayed in the car. Mother is upset with this, because he has the belief that once you're buried, that's it, and that once she's gone, he won't visit her. I understand his side to. Mother wants me to pray, but I understand that communicating this way to the dead is more or less a healing process for the grieving person but I don't believe that by praying, good things will come to me. I might come to talk to her to vent, again as a healing and miss her but not to pray for her protection; it's not me. I didn't want to upset mother with my non-belief so I said nothing and smiled in understanding.
Forgot my leftovers and was back on the bus, I didn't spend the first part of my trip sleeping as I should have but it was too early for me to sleep. Transferred to a packed bus and was ready to sleep, the guy who I was to sit next to sat at the window seat and instead of letting me have the seat which I asked if it were taken, he took it. I had a pillow and a blanket to sleep but nothing to put against. And when I asked if we could switch he refused and was adamant about keeping the seat. He slept with his chin on his chest the whole time. What an asshole. Hope he caught a cold since it was cool in the bus; I was nice and toasty with the blanket. Missed the transit by a stop light to get home, it changed halfway to stop at rideau instead of going closer to home, so I ended up taking another bus and walking more blocks. I napped, took a shower and then went to work. It was a long day..well a long first hour and a half and I worked on my day off to make up for taking days off but they ended up taking away a Saturday shift. I could have gone to parties and such but was out most of the day as I tried to clean the place up. I felt kind of wonky and tired. Next week a lot of planning to do. Looks like I'm ending up going to RHPS twice this year since not everyone is able to go on the same night; and I want to go with everyone. I hate that Halloween is falling on a Monday so it's stops a lot of activities and I'm still working but not at the colo this year for it, so I'll be baking to bring the cupcakes on the weekend. I can't wait to try the mixer! :D I was planning to do 2 different batches of cupcakes to put something new, (since mother got me some Halloween sprinkles)so we'll see how that turns out. We're playing Ghostbusters on that night too, and guess who messaged me about it. -lol- What a nerd. XD

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